Before we look at how couple counselling can help with the issues you are experiencing in your relationship, it’s important to recognise how much romantic relationships have changed.

Esther Perel describes it as a shift from the Cornerstone Model of your parents. E.g. marriage in their early 20s, family, children and a home, to one with a paradox of choices and options which create uncertainty and self-doubt.

She explains how “for the first time you don’t just divorce because you are unhappy, but … because you could be happier.”

 “Most couples don’t get any training in relationships, and often they don’t learn how to communicate with each other until they go to therapy, and that’s often too late.” ~ John M. Gottman.

Whilst today’s relationship challenges share some similarities to the cornerstone model, there are other unique issues couples face today.

Here are some of the key relationship challenges therapists often see:

• Conflict – Not feeling heard or understood. This generates unhelpful patterns of relating – defensiveness, attacking, and withdrawing.
• Lack of connection – Feeling alone in the relationship. This is particularly evident after the arrival of a new baby.
• Betrayal – Today betrayal is not necessarily just an sexual affair, it could be an emotional affair, online flirting, pornography, sexting, dating apps…etc. Essentially what constitutes betrayal to one person will be different for someone else. It is very personal and value laden.
• Lost sense of individual autonomy for one or both – When couples stop nurturing their individual interests and friendships it puts a lot of strain on the relationship. You can read more about codependent relationships here.
• Expecting a quick fix – Advances in technology are generating a fast, demanding and often impatient society. This same type of pressure is being applied to relationships. E.g. they either work or they don’t.  Married at First Sight is an extreme example of this, described by Sandowl as “an accelerated relationship cycle.”