“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated.” ~ Brené Brown

Personal boundaries enable you to take ownership of your own life. Its about recognising where you end and someone else begins. If you own property there are clear boundaries outlining where your land starts and finishes. So it is with emotional, mental and physical boundaries in your life.

You can identify what is your responsibility and what isn’t. Who you are and how you want to be treated.

Good boundaries empower you to connect with your true self; your values, beliefs, needs, choices, and feelings. How you want to live.

DO YOU NEED TO ADJUST YOUR BOUNDARIES?

If you have any of the following behaviours, thoughts or emotions you might need to adjust the boundaries in your life:

♦   Difficulty saying no – ‘Yes’ tends to be an automated response no matter how much of a disadvantage it puts you in. You figure you will work it out later.

♦   People pleasing – You feel responsible for others’ emotions, and more concerned with their needs than your own.

♦   Compliant – What other people think is more important than your opinion or intuition. You are like a chameleon, adjusting to fit in with others.

♦   Difficulty to asking for what you need – Instead of simply asking you find yourself putting a case forward to try and justify your request. 

♦   Overly sensitive – Criticism from others is deeply wounding. You do whatever you can to avoid it.

♦   Your happiness depends on others – You need the approval of others to feel happy.

♦   Guilt and / or anxiety – Saying ‘no’ means you will be letting other people down. This is an intolerable prospect, producing guilt and anxiety. So you say ‘yes’.

♦   Resentment – When you respond with a ‘yes’, but needed to say ‘no’, you experience resentment, and may feel like a victim.

If this is you there is hope…

“We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing. Consequences give us the pain that motivates us to change.” ~ Henry Cloud

ARE YOU READY TO SET SOME HEALTHY BOUNDARIES?

If so, here’s how you can get started:

♥   Know yourself – Connect with your needs, beliefs, values, emotions and physical sensations (what your body is saying). When you know the values that drive you, your decisions won’t be based on other people’s expectations or opinions.

♥   Self-compassion – Take notice of your self-talk. Are your words kind, restorative, and nurturing? Or are your words critical and demanding. If you’re unsure, do the friend test. E.g. If you wouldn’t say it to a friend who is suffering or struggling then it isn’t okay to say it to yourself. 

The best part is when you practice more self-compassion you will experience more self-acceptance. And with a healthier inner world you will find it easier to show your true vulnerable self to others.

♥   Learn How To Say No – Pause before you say yes. Notice how you are feeling? Notice your thoughts? What are your needs in this situation? What does your gut instinct say? 

Pleasing others at your own expense can backfire, as you struggle to hide a bad attitude or find yourself exhibiting subtle passive-aggressive behaviors. Relationships always suffer when communications are muddied in this way.

When you establish good boundaries you will generally experience better relationships and receive more respect from others.

So the next time someone requests something of you… pause before you answer. In fact while you are learning how to establish healthier boundaries you might just say, “I need to think on it and get back to you with an answer, if that’s okay”.