Main character energy is all the rage. It’s about stepping into your power, prioritizing yourself, and living life on your terms. Sounds empowering, right? But what happens when this mindset crosses the line from self-love to self-absorption? In intimate relationships, this can mean treating your partner like a supporting character—someone whose role is to cater to your needs rather than share a balanced, mutual connection.

The Narcissism Trap: A Threat to Fondness and Admiration

Main character syndrome, when unchecked, can morph into something unhealthy: an inflated sense of importance that makes you feel like your emotions, desires, and needs should always come first. According to John Gottman, relationships thrive when couples maintain fondness and admiration—a deep respect and appreciation for each other. If you’re constantly asking, How does this serve me?, you might be prioritizing self-interest over emotional connection, eroding the very admiration that keeps love alive.

Emotional Avoidance Disguised as Empowerment: Stonewalling vs. Engagement

There’s a fine line between setting healthy boundaries and using “main character syndrome” as an excuse to dodge emotional accountability. Gottman identifies stonewalling—emotionally withdrawing from conflict—as one of the most harmful relationship behaviors. Are you walking away from difficult conversations because they don’t serve your personal narrative? Are you dismissing your partner’s concerns because they don’t fit your ideal storyline? True intimacy requires turning toward your partner, working through discomfort, and engaging in honest conversations rather than shutting down or avoiding them.

The Fantasy vs. Reality Divide: Unrealistic Expectations and the Four Horsemen

Social media has sold us a dream: a relationship where you are always the star, where romance is cinematic, and personal growth is a solo journey. But real partnerships aren’t perfectly scripted moments. Gottman’s research warns against the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—as key predictors of relationship failure. If you expect constant admiration, validation, or excitement, you may be creating unrealistic expectations that lead to contempt when your partner falls short of your fantasy.

Are You Treating Your Partner Like a Supporting Cast Member? The Importance of Bids for Connection

When you fully embrace main character energy, are you uplifting your partner—or treating them as a side character meant to enhance your story? Gottman emphasizes the importance of bids for connection—small gestures that invite closeness, like sharing a story or seeking comfort. If your partner is making bids and you’re too wrapped up in your own storyline to notice, you may be unintentionally rejecting the very foundation of emotional intimacy.

How to Keep Main Character Energy in Check in Your Relationship

♥ Practice Self-Awareness: Confidence is important, but take a moment to reflect—are you making space for your partner’s feelings and needs as well?

♥ Balance Individuality with Empathy: Living as the main character of your life is empowering, but relationships thrive when both partners feel seen, heard, and valued.

♥ Stay Grounded in Reality: Real love isn’t always picture-perfect. Appreciate the quiet, unfiltered moments just as much as the highlights.

♥ Take Responsibility for Your Impact: Empowerment also means being mindful of how your actions affect your partner and making adjustments when needed.

♥Respond to Bids for Connection: When your partner seeks attention, affection, or support, recognize and respond to these moments to strengthen your bond.

Main character energy isn’t inherently bad—it’s about how you use it. Confidence and self-prioritization are valuable, but not when they come at the cost of genuine connection. The real plot twist? The best main characters grow, evolve, and learn with their partners—not at their expense.

Ready to Rekindle Connection and Balance in Your Relationship?

If you’re struggling with balancing self-prioritization and intimacy, or finding that your relationship feels off-track, I can help. Together, we’ll work to rebuild mutual respect, emotional connection, and understanding. Let’s transform your relationship into a partnership where both of you thrive.